Positive Health Online

It is very hard to believe that miscarriages are universal, like the common Cold. At the time of writing this, I had experienced my third miscarriage. Trying to carry on when your world stops turning, and everyone else's world just carries one regardless, is all so very hard.

Miscarriage can be a very unhappy, frightening and lonely experience. I have been so distressed about this miscarriage because it's a reminder of the other two. Even though I am a mum of three wonderful children, I just still cannot help my flood of feelings, cry about what has happened and feel torn by conflicting emotions.

It is estimated that around one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, usually before the fourteenth week of pregnancy. A further one per cent of pregnancies are ectopic, where the pregnancy develops in the wrong place – usually in one of the fallopian tubes. Despite these high numbers, it can be difficult to determine the cause of a particular loss. Many couples are left asking the question WHY? Find it hard to accept that no one can give a definite answer.

My husband Eric affirms that anyone who has not experienced a miscarriage does not truthfully know what you are going through until they have the same Experience. He had many feelings of bewilderment, struggling to make sense of what has happened and to cope with a whole range of emotions like feelings of frustration and failure.

Unlike giving birth, everyone celebrates the gift of life because they can see the child. If the child becomes ill and passes away, then the grief is halved because human beings seem to react better that way. Unlike a miscarriage, people feel awkward around you, because they do not know how to react around you, because technically nothing is there for them to see, so cliché statements are often used to help you with your own grief, which may seem helpful to them, but to you it is very annoying.

With regards to me, I feel that part of me has died inside. I miss the kids when they are at school. I feel ashamed of myself because this is the third time that it has happened to me, I feel a failure that yet again it has happened to me and I just want answers to something, which I know medically I will never find. I know that I should not blame myself, but those are the emotions running around in my head.

Eric feels nothing about the baby; for a short time it did not sink in and he did not feel connected to it. He says that he gets annoyed with himself because he does not how to feel: "How should I feel or be feeling". "Everything was fine, then it wasn't and I feel so guilty that I could be the cause of you losing our baby, being in the Gulf War and that's hard to live with watching you going through this pain again."

He tells me that he feels like a hamster on a treadmill, trying to get off and wrestle with his inner most emotions. He feels that you have to carry on and you do not have to time to just grieve. I agree that whilst trying to be a wife to Eric, a mum to Jade, Amba and Leo, feed Kassie the cat and walk Max the dog, it just seems never ending; all I want to do is just curl up and go to sleep and never wake up!

It has opened up a whole new lot of questioning of my life in why things happen. Although I think it is inevitable to blame myself, I really must try not to blame myself for the miscarriage – I didn't cause it to happen in any way. It's a pity they don't come with a little letter saying 'not going to get properly incarnated this time, just trying it out – might be back later!

After a month's grieving, I decided to seek out a transpersonal psychotherapist. I found Ruth White on www.ukcp.org.uk – UK Council for Psychotherapy. In the weeks that have gone by, Ruth has given me the inner strength to find peace within my soul and new meanings to why it was just not the right timing for this child to come into incarnation.

I found The Miscarriage Association, based in Wakefield, West Yorkshire, was just what I needed to help lessen the load. They have a network of over 120 volunteer telephone contacts across the UK.

As I am a qualified Reiki Master, I gave myself a full Reiki treatment on a daily basis. I also decided to find a quiet five minutes during the day for some 'meditation time' and just finding that peace from within helped me grow stronger by the day.

I sought a herbal remedy to help me come to terms with my grief and devastation. St John's Wort, often referred to as the sunshine herb, has been recognized for centuries for relief of many cases of depression.

To accompany the St John's Wort, I also took Bach Rescue Remedy to help me cope with balancing life's ups and downs.

What did help mewas to write about my innermost feelings. I have kept a daily diary on how I really felt about life, the universe and others around me. When I look back at what I have written with a frank and real approach to my feelings, it has helped me move forward and find the real blessings in life.

Many couples who have grieved the loss of a baby, no matter when or how the loss happened, just never forget. What my husband and I did to help remember our babies were to plant a special flower in the garden and to light a candle on their anniversaries.

I wish that at the time of a miscarriage there will be more emotional support for couples in hospitals. I hope reading this will help women and men find the inner strength to move forward. Taking one day at a time is what I find works for me.

Further Information

Psychotherapist Ruth White: www.ruthwhite-gildas.co.uk.
The Miscarriage Association: Tel: 01924 200799; www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk.