Positive Health Online

Head in the clouds

When I began my second pregnancy, it never seriously occurred to me that I would lose the baby before term. Neither had I given it much thought with my first. I knew the first 12 weeks were critical and could set the tone for the whole pregnancy. So you can imagine my surprise when at 11 weeks I miscarried. No prior warning. Just a little brown spotting one evening and within 12 hours the baby had gone.

The biggest shock was to have gone through the same physical motions as if I was giving birth but knowing that I was losing the baby and helpless to do anything about it. For me that included my belly dropping the day before (I had thought it was the pregnancy moving onto the next stage). A dull sensation like the onset of a period in the middle of the following night. Cramps/contractions the next morning, which gradually increased in frequency and intensity until they were five minutes apart. A pause. Then the bursting of the waters followed by the loss of the foetus.

Surfing for information

I frantically scrabbled around for confirmation of what I had experienced. At the same time, I tried not to blame myself or enter into heavy analysis as to 'why' it had happened. Death is a random act of life and these things happen without rhyme nor reason. However, I wanted to be aware of my options before going with the standard medical approach (a scan followed by a D&C). The most immediate source of information was on the Web. Then remarkably women who had also miscarried materialized out of the woodwork as I began to talk openly about my own experience. I came to appreciate that for many women – myself included – there is a certain 'shame' and 'failure' around miscarriage which causes them to keep their mouths shut rather than express their feelings and heal.

Nature's way of taking care of things

It didn't help me to know alone that 'it was Nature's way of taking care of things naturally'. I knew that. I was thankful to my body and grateful for it. But simply accepting this statement logically wasn't enough and was to deny the full range of emotions I needed to experience as the bereaved mother who had already bonded with the child. Grieving wasn't an overnight job. It took time to process – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually – and I needed external support while I moved through this. However, the expectation is that the mother just gets on with it with the same speed, efficiency and lack of individuality as a full-term birth. If I hadn't stopped bleeding within four days of the miscarriage, I was told I required a scan. If there was anything remaining, I would need a D&C. This was the last thing I felt like at this point in time; to have my body inspected, prodded and then scraped. No way!

Not a text book case

I continued to bleed – stringy blood clots which I was told indicated something of the pregnancy remaining; however, I wasn't in pain and felt well, and because I have a well-developed relationship with my intuition and my spirit helpers, I knew that my womb was okay. The messages I received told me that my body would take care of whatever it needed to in its own way and in its own time. Ten days later, during the night of the largest full moon of the century (the most yin time of the lunar cycle), the remainder of the pregnancy came away. Much more blood, which I can only assume was the after-birth. My body had cleaned up without intrusion and in a perfectly natural way.

Then, just when it looked like the miscarriage was diminishing to nothing, the bleeding started up again. This time I began to worry and was ready for a scan, but there was nothing there at all, my womb was perfectly normal. The bleeding continued until about two weeks later; I was flooding. I had never experienced anything like it in my life. Now what?

Going within for guidance

The solution my doctor offered me was artificial progesterone for ten days. Personally, I didn't like this idea. My step-mother had been prescribed this in the past and I had a hunch it had contributed to her breast cancer years later. For some reason, my body was bleeding and I wanted to get to the root of the problem rather than drive the symptoms underground until they raised their heads through a different form of disease. I did a shamanic journey, which is my way of seeking spiritual guidance and healing. I was shown very clearly that I needed Chinese Herbal medicine to balance the 'fire' in my body as indicated by the bleeding. To address my concern that I might become anaemic, I made sure I ate plenty of organic red meat and other iron-containing foods. I also meditated on the metaphor of blood and bleeding. What I got, blew me away! The feminine part of me was weeping. Deep sorrow for the loss of the baby and deep sorrow for other aspects of my creativity that I had also abandoned. And she was really angry about it too.

Carrying emotional baggage

In a magnificent book called Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom by Dr Christine Northrup, I learned that 'the internal pelvic organs (ovaries, tubes, uterus) are related to second chakra issues. Their health depends upon a woman feeling able, competent or powerful to create financial and emotional abundance and stability and to express her creativity fully. She must be able to feel good about herself and about her relationships with other people in her life. Relationships that she finds stressful and limiting, on the other hand, adversely affect her internal pelvic organs.'

The state of one's self esteem is also reflected in the pelvic area; how we feel about ourselves in the deep sanctuary of our soul. Do we love, accept and approve of ourselves unconditionally? Do we believe that we are worthy of the love of others and the best that life has to offer? Or do we carry emotional baggage, not just our own, but for our children and, if we are not careful, for our partners? Many men and women too, struggle to express their emotions appropriately so they disperse these feelings around them to be picked up by others, rather than take responsibility for the feelings themselves.

Internal feminine versus internal masculine

Inspired by The Maiden King by Robert Bly and Marion Woodman, I reflected. During the early weeks of pregnancy I had lamented in a small, quiet voice that I wasn't where I wanted to be. Instead, I continued to work too hard in our business partnership rather than take time out to slow down and divert my focus inwards, which was what my heart desired. My internal feminine had been brushed to one side. Why did I allow this to happen? Because my internal masculine was driving me, convincing me that if I didn't work the bills wouldn't get paid – and my external masculine (my husband) echoed this. On the face of it, the reasoning behind it was valid but, in retrospect, not valid enough for continuing on the same line and potentially risking a life. Moreover, I began to realize that in sacrificing the needs of my internal feminine, I had also abandoned the very essence of my creativity – my womanly dreams and desires. Not just to give birth to a healthy child but a bigger dream that I had for myself, which had sat incubating in my womb space for four years. All this emotional disease, I came to realize, had been stored in the big expandable bag of my womb!

Healing the problem

"Lower chakra issues don't heal until they're witnessed" reported Dr Christine Northrup. I took this to mean that in order to stop bleeding, I needed to be heard. Then, after articulating the wounds, a women needs to look at how these have affected her life: the 'naming' stage. The final step required for healing and the optimal functioning of the woman's energy system involves releasing the power of the wound. As I worked through this process with a friend and during a four-hour holographic repatterning session, a whole bucketful of anger and resentment was released – in the first instance towards my husband and then going deeper towards my father for abandoning my mother. I then made the necessary shift from being a victim, to taking responsibility for having the baggage dumped on me in the first place. It was my choice. If my feminine had originally said "no, that is not what I want", then the stress would not have accumulated. Once I worked through this three-step process, I experienced a great release of energy in my womb area and a huge surge in my own creativity.

Fortunately, the bleeding stopped within days and my periods normalized. Never again do I plan on abandoning my own needs in favour of outside pressures. My challenge is to learn to be selfish – or at least self-centred – for the good of myself and all those dependent on me. And above all, it's about honouring the needs of my unique soul.

Editor's Note:

In this instance, the author consulted her doctor and possessed the requisite self-healing skills which helped to resolve her physical, emotional and spiritual symptoms.

It is highly recommended that women undergoing similar symptoms seek professional medical and emotional psychological support to guide them through what can be a traumatic ordeal.